the girl

looking back the past, i saw a girl. she was gullible. she believed in love stories with happy endings. she was just that naive because she was simple-minded. to her, the whole world was just that limited space she was living in.

but not anymore. she's now in the world she ever dreamed of. she's in the complex world. much more complicated than her little world back then. somehow..the more complex things she sees or experiences, the more she is confused. she doesn't know what she wants. she is rather disoriented. but she's still living her life like how she used to back then. just that there is a bit of independency and a bit of sweat...

but when the reality starts to sink in slowly, she wonders. she wonders if there would be a slight possible chance for her to go back and become that simple-minded, naive girl she knew.

and when darkness creeps in, she wonders how would she be like for the next few years. there is more complex and 'interesting' world waiting for her. 'one step at a time', she reminds herself all the time. but there is step that once she slips, she would never get herself up and climb again. that's just how the world works. no pain. no game.

=/

I didn't notice today was 20th until a friend of mine corrected me. exactly 1 month ago i was celebrating my birthday, talking here n there at home. the image of me having meals with my family is still vivid. the image of me cleaning up my room here that sunday is a blur.

if time passes so fast, why is it still 1 month? how many months to go? 1, 2, 3.. 7 months. i can wait. i hope.

how many days of holiday for july? 1, 2, 3.. 2 weeks. i can wait. i must.

Tick Tock Tick Tick Tick Tock Tock Tock

9am - Awaken by the stupid internal alarm clock.

10.30am - Finished playing restaurant city. Hmm, nice weather, cool breeze. so.. SLEEP.

12.00pm - Woke up because of a sudden headache.

until now, still got that tiny bit of pain in my head. or in my brain? hmm do i even have a brain? hmm this needs investigations and some research to find out.

anyway, my point is..

I ACHIEVED NOTHING.

yeah, last night typed the crappy essay. had to squeeze out every inch of my brain (wait, do i have a brain??) to get that juice flowing out. and finally when i've finished and was satisfied with it, i immediately collapsed on my bed. i thought i could sleep for a bit longer than usual. well at least wake up at 10 or 11 or 12 or ... but NO. i woke up at 9 am. freaking early !

and ended up didn't do anything. haha. good job girl. i love myself.

p/s: i am not complaining. coz i should be blamed of so why complain. purely just blogging here. yeah, purely.

一身疲惫 一堆功课 眼前的路还远得很 前途盲盲啊 不能松懈 双手双脚不能休息 考试季节要到了 啊 多久没进考场了 多久没盯着时钟 和时间赛跑

家的味道 越来越陌生 搞不好有天我把家的味道忘了

如果 我把在这走的每一步加起来 足不足够走回家 ?

Letter to Her

There's someone who always sits in front of the pc after working. Despite being tired, she will still be spending her only free time to talk to me. I thought, hey this is a bit annoying 'coz I have to talk to her every single night. And every time i sign in my MSN, there will be messages left by her, from teaching me how to wash the fruits properly instead of just rinsing it to tell me to the pharmacy to buy myself some Vitamin C because she's so worried I might be getting swine flu. I mean, c' on. I'm learning to handle stuff on my own here and well, she can't keep telling me what to do even after I get married and have my own family. Just imagine, when I am changing the baby's diaper, the phone rings and I pick up and on the other side, she will be telling me 'the baby's crying again? lemme teach you how to change the diaper properly' or 'gotta shake the milk before feeding the baby'... The thing is, I am growing up. She has to accept the fact that I am no longer that little girl who used to ask her for help. (okay maybe sometimes I do still need her help) I may still be that little girl in her heart, but I wish that she can spend more time for her own. I know she loves baking cakes. She should bake cakes more often now or even create her own recipes! Now that there is only that brat at home, I am sure that she has more time doing the things that she likes to do and not just for the family. Can't she be selfish after years of taking care the family? Oh yeah, I almost forgot, there's this guy whom she loves so much that she's spending her time on as well. ; ) Well, at least she won't get so lonely when the three of us are not at home. 'It's late. Go to sleep.' Here, I want to let her know that I know my limits and I will go to sleep early if I can. Okay, sometimes being playful and all that, but I am still managing my time well. So don't worry!
There's plenty of things that I wanna share with her, and also apologise to her. But, being the pai seh one, I couldn't make the words out when am on the phone with her.
Last year was like hell. She was having a hard time like me as well. Backache, grandma's sickness almost killed her. Plus, my ignorance added to her burden. Luckily, she managed to pull it through and that's her alright.
But no matter how tough she is, her heart is as fragile as glass. Her health gets worse each day. Her face has more wrinkles. I am worried someday she might collapse. I can't imagine that one day if she does, how would she feel 'coz I know, she would still be thinking about the family that time and would have the utmost helpless feeling that anyone including me could imagine.
I had public speaking competition in primary. She spent nights, correcting my mistakes. She listened to me patiently. She had work to do the next morning, yet she was by my side when I was practising.
I had KH projects on sewing in secondary. I tried and tried to sew a piece of cloth. I failed. She spent one night to transform an old cloth to a piece of decent-looking handkerchief. She didn't sleep until she was done with it at 3am. I got A- in that project.
I had SPM to sit for that one whole month. She would prepare nutritious drink and do many silly stuff for me which I laughed at her for being stupid that time like buying a NanoCan. She still thinks that it is good for my brain when I drink water from it.
She's involved in every stage of my life. From spoon-ing food to my mouth, holding my hand to kindergarten, bringing me to the park, fetching me to tuitions, friends' parties, to sending me off to college. What's next for the next 4 or 5 years? She might be helping me to find jobs if I manage to graduate.. What's next for the next 10 years? She might be helping me to find a lifetime partner. ... She might be too old to do all those, but she still has the heart. Yeah, that heart. She's just too stubborn and busybody, trying to get involved in my life. She never learns...
Well, tomorrow's her special day. By right, my birthday should be HER day. Anyway, since I am not by her side tomorrow, I might as well prepare a treasure hunt for her.
In my cupboard,
There's pile of papers and files.
Underneath or maybe in between those,
You'll find an envelope,
Open it and unveil my heart.
Happy Mother's Day.
With love, your little girl.

Flashback

this morning, i woke up and the flashback started. i was at home. almost after every dinner, i would sit in front of the laptop and start to chat with friends. i neglected them.

i did not appreciate and make full use of the time or should i say, chance? that's my only chance and now i regret that i did not spend more time with them.

the effort and time they put on me..i know. i just never have the courage to say thank you.

in fact, they changed a lot.

he would hold my hand when i walked with him to class.

she would answer my every silly ques patiently and was willing to be my driver for two whole weeks.

he was sorry for he still had to work and couldn't accompany me during the two weeks.

she sacrificed her working time and accompanied me, spent lots and lots of money on me. she spent the whole day searching for a big mashimaro toy because..i love mashimaro. that's all. i love it, so she went to buy it for me for my birthday present. what a good excuse for a daughter to ask her mum to do such thing. 'coz she loves that thing.

truly grateful for what i've got.

what's life. must there be responsibilities?

what's human. must there be conscious and guilt?

if...if life without responsibilities, if human has no feelings, i wonder. would it be better.

UPSR-->PMR-->SPM-->college-->uni-->get a job

so the aim of life is just to get a job and earn money. is that it. what happened to live our lives to the fullest. what ever happened to enjoy our lives while we still can. it's like, there are steps. there are rules to follow. miss one step, fall and you're doomed. i'm doomed. i have so much studies to catch up on. but everytime..i just can't concentrate. it's not the distractions. it's just me. distractions wont be called distractions if i am not concentrate enough and that's why..it's me who cant focus and suffer now. and end up blogging here to whine here and there about why must there be responsibilities and steps and rules in life.

how long do i need to go through till i really see the bright side of life. till i see the rainbow somewhere behind all this mess i am in now.